Dad’s Unique Gifts of the Spirit

          The following clinical observations are based on approximately 59 years of experience as a SOV (son of Van). My study has been carried out in various periods of my life with different motivations. Sometimes, of course, I wanted to figure out how to manipulate him into letting me do what I wanted to do. At other times, as my admiration and respect for him continued to grow, my purpose was less ulterior. During these different stages in my own development, I have discerned a repeating pattern of characteristics. These patterns have been consistent through good times and difficult ones. They form a gestalt, which might be called character. An even better word, from my perspective, is integrity. This brief essay, then, is my attempt to describe some of these "consistent manifestations" of his integrity -- features that I have found, depending on the circumstance, both frustrating and gratifying over the years.

Humor and playfulness

          Anyone who has known Van Arnold for any length of time knows and has experienced his love of good humor and playfulness. He comes by it honestly, because I have similar memories of his brothers, whom we visited regularly every summer.

          The earliest memory I have of this dimension of his personality was, I think, in Seneca, South Carolina, where he was the pastor of the Seneca Presbyterian Church in the early 1940’s. I awoke one Christmas morning to find a little telephone mounted on the wall next to my bed. Just as I noticed it, it rang! When I answered, a voice on the phone identified itself as Santa Claus, calling to wish me Merry Christmas. The voice was somewhat familiar, but in my excitement about having a "hot line" straight to the great giver of gifts, I didn’t stop to examine that subliminal perception. Whether it was only for a few minutes or throughout the day, I can’t remember, but I do remember calling and being called by "Santa Claus" several times. Finally, I got a bit suspicious and found the "other end of the line" in Dad’s study on the second floor of the house. When I did find it, there was no attempt on his part at "cover-up." We could laugh and enjoy the fun of those moments. Over the years, there have been an enjoyable and ongoing series of finding the fun in situations, along with the continuing purchase of various gadgets of amusement and, sometimes, usefulness.

          But, the humor was not limited to gadgets.  There has always been the fun of a good joke or humorous story. Around a meal table, on a porch in Montreat, in any grouping of people, on the phone, or via e-mail (when it’s working!), if Dad is there, jokes will be told. In fact, over the years a term has evolved – "Van humor" – a label often applied to pun-filled jokes and one-liners. I have no doubt that the humor and playfulness has served many functions over the years. Humor lifts the spirits and helps to divert the mind, however  briefly, from more difficult or disturbing realities. It helps to keep a relationship intact, when there is little else that can be said. But, it is also true that humor and playfulness are just plain fun. And, such humor and a playful spirit are at the heart of Dad’s integrity.

Gadgets and Tinkering

          Since humorous gadgets have been noted, we might as well move along to that love of tinkering which has always been a part of him. Dad is a born "tinkerer." From my earliest childhood, I can remember his fixing things. No one was ever called to repair anything, unless Dad had exhausted all of his own attempts to fix them. And, his attempts were successful more often than not. He has never been the stereotypical picture of the man who is the delight of service personnel. In fact, he probably has cost them business over the years because of his success. All of us, over the years, have learned to look forward to his visits, because there might just be a "few things" we would like for him to "look at." It was that characteristic of his that led me a few years ago to send him a cap and a mug with the inscription, "I came, I sawed, I fixed it."

          His love for fixing things moves far beyond the home. I can remember sitting around with him, or serving as assistant, in his work on the sound system in the sanctuary in Greenwood, in helping put together the electrical set-up for the living nativity scene there, in setting up the system for recording worship services, etc. I am reasonably sure that some of his pastoral calls included fixing something in the home of his parishioners. So, his tinkering contributed routinely to the life of the churches he served, and it was clear that he enjoyed it.

          I was also a more direct beneficiary of that tinkering, however. It extended to his love of toys. Many of the toys I received as a child were ones that needed mechanical and electrical interventions on a regular basis. Take the erector set! I took on ambitious projects that were beyond my abilities, and he was quick to assist. He wouldn’t take over, as some fathers are inclined to do, but he was exceptionally "ready" to join in at my invitations. There was also the electric train. As my ambitions increased on the layout for my American Flyer train set, he was willing and able to help me with the expansion. We first expanded my train world into the attic of our house in Greenwood. That was to get me off the first floor, I think, where I kept rebuilding in the living room and dismantling whenever company was coming! Later, when attic space became more of a premium, he helped me construct an amazing setup in the garage. The layout, on several plywood sheets, was suspended by ropes and pulleys from the rafters, so that it could be raised and lowered – available for me to play with, removable so that the garage could be used for other purposes.  Later came the construction together of a boat. Even later, though I was not as much a part of it, came the "Arnomobile," which went on display at the Memphis fairgrounds. And, even more recently, was his own construction of the security system at 3470 Waynoka, complete with the booming voice which said, when set off, "Thou shalt not steal."

          This aspect of his personality and character gave him enjoyment and a channel for us to do projects together, and thus build and maintain an enduring bond strong enough to weather even those times that we couldn’t (or I wouldn’t!) talk a great deal. Those features are still a part of our relationship.

          We didn’t engage in sports together that much (although we did go to baseball games in Greenwood, where I first learned that I needed glasses, because I couldn’t read the scoreboard). But, we did indeed frequently putter and fix and figure out things together (right up to the present, with our figuring out computer problems with varying degrees of success). Although I say that my inability to fix things is directly related to his being the one to fix everything when I was growing up, the truth is that those "projects" formed a significant foundation of our relationship over the years. I continue to be grateful for the dependability and consistency of that pattern.

Emotional Transparence

            Well, okay. This hasn’t been one of Dad’s frequent manifestations. Talking about deeper feelings is not one of his dominant characteristics. But, the ways in which his deeper feelings are made known lie in what we in the psychological trade call "behavioral consistency." You know what he cares about by the regular and dependable ways in which he commits himself to them.

          And, there are those isolated incidents in which the feelings, unspoken though they may be, have been unmistakable. The two most profound occasions revolve around the two very special women in his life: Jessie Lee and Ladye Margaret. His love for both, in their turn, are imprinted permanently in my mind from the observation of the grief that I saw in him in the events around my mother’s death and the joy I have seen in him in and with Ladye Margaret at the time of their marriage and in the years since.

          I do have a memory of the one moment in which he almost talked about his feelings for Ladye Margaret. I was a student at Columbia Seminary, and he called to tell me that he and Ladye Margaret were going to start "formally" dating. He was certain that the rumor mill would go right to work, and he wanted me to hear about it from him first. It was merely a "report," to be sure, but the tone of his voice told me far more than the words did. Then, not too long afterward, I tried to call him at home one night. I called around ten o’clock, as I remember, and there was no answer. Unusual for him. I tried again at eleven. Still no answer. When I did get an answer on my next attempt, I began with some remark about his never having approved of my being out that late on a date. His reply, which told me a great deal, was, "Well, if I had known you were having as much fun as I have been, maybe I would have felt differently." Emotionally transparent? Yes and No! The feelings were clear enough, however, as mediated through that seemingly ever-present sense of humor.

Patience

          I’m sure it happened in some form or another, but I cannot, for the life of me, remember a time when Dad said, "Don’t bother me. I’m busy." I remember coming up the steps to that study in Seneca and being welcomed and allowed to roam and play as he worked. No doubt, I interrupted a few sermon preparations, but I can’t remember being hustled out. The pattern was much the same in Greenwood. My visits to his office at the church were fairly common, I think. If he wasn’t seeing someone, I was welcome. Of course, he did have a church secretary to halt me if my timing was not convenient. That continued to be the case at Evergreen , though I boycotted the church for awhile, because I considered it almost demonic that a minister would move to the church across the street from where his son was going to college! Nonetheless, when I would violate my own rules about avoiding the church, he always welcomed me when I came to his office.

          His manifestations of patience have not been limited just to being available. It has also been evident in his ability to let people come to insight in their own time. In my own case, he would let me learn from experience. I think he has always had a pretty good ability to discriminate between what can be a good lesson and what might be dangerous. This is a fancy way of saying that he certainly seemed to have no problem telling me "no" when he saw its importance. At the same time, he had the wisdom to let me sort through many other things instead of "taking over" prematurely.

          A few illustrations come to mind. (1) In high school, when I was infatuated with a girl whom my mother did not like, he prevailed upon her to let me keep dating her. The result: I lost interest not too many weeks later. (2) When I began college, he wrote me a letter in which he said that if I needed anything at all, just to let him know, and he would tell me how to get along without it! (3) When I was trying to sort through what to do with my life after college and cycled through medicine, psychology, and finally ministry, he never tried to influence me. In fact, when I focused in on ministry, he advised me to keep thinking! (4) When my first marriage, to Kathy, was deteriorating, he never said anything about it to me until I first raised it with him. Then, he told me that he had been seeing patterns that concerned him for a long time and that God never intended for people to be miserable for their entire lives because of a bad decision. Part of me wanted to say, "Why didn’t you tell me what you saw?" And, the other part of me gave thanks that he had waited for me, instead of putting me even more on the defensive as I wrestled with my own guilt. (5) The same was true as I "discovered" my love for Margaret Anne. When I first told him about her, he listened and was receptive. But, he neither encouraged nor discouraged me. Then, as our commitment became clear, he welcomed her with open arms.

          Now that I think about it, he revealed to me how his patience worked one day as we were driving somewhere in Memphis.  I can’t remember what the issue was, but I expressed surprise to him that he wasn’t telling me not to do something. His response was something to the effect of, "Bill, you’re ___ years old now. If I haven’t taught you how to make good decisions by now, it’s too late. You have to make your own decisions." I hope some of that has carried forward with me in my relationship with Allison! He is aware of what he can and cannot do in other people’s lives, and he respects that in himself as well as the other person.

          In the midst of all those times of being patient with me, the earlier patterns – humor, playfulness, and enjoyment of tinkering and gadgets – have continued. All of these characteristics were and are enduring. They provide a sense of comfort and dependability with and in him.

Faithfulness

          These manifestations I have been attempting to describe of Dad’s integrity are not really separable. As I have tried to isolate each of them, it has been difficult because they are so interwoven. But, I think the term that most ties them all together is that of "faithfulness."

          There has been faithfulness to me in the ways I have described above. There has been the faithfulness, in equal ways, to Van M., in our years of growing up together. Dad faithfully, in my view, found ways to treat each of us with equal regard, yet with attention to our different personalities, strengths and weaknesses. His faithfulness to our mother was evident to all of us during those hard years, as has been his faithfulness and patience to all of us as we have moved from being children of separate families into also (not instead of) being children of a new and blended family. He has been faithful to each of us as we have moved through our own stages of success and failure.

          I am convinced that such faithfulness on his part would not  be possible were it not for the experiences of his own growing up, in which he learned of what importance a "firm foundation" is. Although I have never quite gotten clear on all the sources of his own faith (due to limited emotional transparence!), I certainly believe that the most integral source for his own faithfulness has been the faithfulness he has experienced from God and which he has sought to mediate to others – family, friends, congregations. I would call these manifestations of his integrity his own unique gifts of the Spirit. And so, I continue to be grateful to God for the gift that Dad continues to be to me on this occasion of celebrating this special time in his life.